What would you write?

Dear Aly,

I am not writing this letter to you from the Future, or even from the Past.  I am writing this to you from the Now.  Things have been wearing on you, and I’m starting to see the signs of it.  You are so good at falling back into yourself that sometimes you forget how to get out.  I’m here to make sure you remember where the footholds are.

How are you doing?  I know that things have been rough lately, but things have also been more glorious than you ever could have imagined.  You are living in such a time of change that all you can do is make a difference.  I know that  you do not regret many things in life.  As for those few things that you do regret: why?  Why dwell on things that have gotten you to where you are now?  You live in a world split by intolerance:  people hate people for things, and the people hate the people who hate them for passing judgment!  Why add to the negativity by being intolerant of yourself?  Whenever you feel something could have gone better, just remember that it already has happened.  All you can do at that point is look ahead, whether it be for a solution to solve a problem you just created or to just move on and walk away.

Now listen carefully; I only want to say this one time, and I want you to remember it for the rest of your life.  You are not an ordinary girl.  You have your dad’s wit, your mom’s personality, and a flare for life that you are just learning to embrace.  Sure, things get you down.  But it’s always temporary and you find a way back to the surface, even if you have to claw your way up.  You walk with your head up, and you smile at anyone who might return the look.  Keep going.

I know it depresses you that you will lose friends after college.  It won’t be abrupt, but it will happen just like it did after high school.  Distances grow, lives change, and new people are incorporated into everyone’s schedules.  But try not to focus on that for now.  Embrace these great people while you have them, and hope that they go on to bigger and better things if they do move away from you.

Speaking of college: it is not everything.  I know that grades can wear away at your very core, and studying takes away any sanity that you have left.  Yes, school is important, but it is not everything.  Get out into the world!  Experience things and learn facts beyond what a textbook can tell you!  Challenge your curiosity.

One last thing, Aly.  Open yourself up.  I know how easily you shut down and walk away from things that scare you.  Things don’t always have to be serious, and I know you have operated on that thought for a long time when others haven’t.  But don’t let that keep you from becoming serious if you think you want to.  You know what this is in reference to.  The summer is a long time, but it will end.  Don’t let things slip away like you normally do.

Take a risk.  Be yourself.  Laugh at life.  Keep smiling at strangers.  And above all else: smile at yourself.

With all of my love,

Me.

The sun will come up tomorrow.

Today I called a friend to talk to her, and we got onto a topic that saddened me greatly.

Her story began with  a sleepless night that led to a trip to take sunrise photos at her favorite spot on campus.  When she got there, there were two girls younger than herself already there.  They had the delirious and excited looks of two teenagers who had realized that it is a possibility to stay up all night and they had accomplished it.

I remember one night I decided that I was going to stay up to see the sunrise.  It was early in my college career; I had pulled all-nighters through events at the zoo that I volunteered at, but those were for a ‘purpose,’ even if only for fun with friends.  This was a decision I made spur of the moment with another friend.  I went to his house and we played monopoly until the birds were singing and the sun was kissing the sky.  I remember that elated feeling of the night-time high and the moments before the exhaustion hit.  On several occasions that year I stayed up until sunrise, or close to it, to feel that same feeling.

I look at where I am today, and I feel sad.  A friend just commented about how terrible it is that I’m working a double tonight (11:40 PM until 7 AM) and my response was, “eh I’m used to it by now.”  I stopped after typing that sentence, and reflected on my terrible sleep schedule.  Last night I got…..5 hours of sleep?  I napped for approximately 2 hours tonight, before work.  This entire week I have not been to bed before 3; typically it was 4 or 5.

I miss the days when staying up all night was a novelty.  When I help normal hours of operation, and a sunrise still had an air of mystery.  These days, I’m depressed when I get off of work and the sun is already rising.  It’s just a sign of my age group, though.  I know that in a few years, staying up until 3 will seem like a blasphemy.

It’s all a circle.

I sit in my computer chair listening to the dying strains of some reality life TV show on in the background.  Someone wants to marry someone while winning enough money to last a few years in this reality of materialism.  I know what I should be doing: in case I forget there is a  yellow piece of lined paper hanging on the wall next to me.  I hear the flush of a toilet in the bathroom next door, reminding me of the lack of privacy anywhere in this thin-walled dorm.

My entire day is spent walking head up from class to class, wondering if any brave stranger will meet my eyes and return my knowing smile.  No one does.  Everyone is lost in their world of iPods and selfishness.  Long gone are the days of friendly smiles and polite tips of the hat.  None of us want to be out walking with our 20 pound backpacks on, avoiding puddles, bikes, cars, and other people but we keep chugging along like we have somewhere we want to be.  Lectures are filled with technology fighting a teacher and the occasional cell phone brings a half-hearted laugh from those near the scene of the crime.  Whispers compete with the clicking of computer keys as students pretend to be taking notes on facebook, updating their status to tell their friends that they “can’t wait for summer break!”  or to remind themselves that they “have a paper due in 12 hours and 34 minutes.”

Across the hall lives someone I don’t even know beyond a first name basis, and even that may be pushing it.  Across the dorm are friends I’ve known for too many years to ignore, yet somehow we are lucky to see each other once a week.  When my roommate and I both sit at our computers with headphones permanently implanted into our ears, we go through the effort of opening up an instant message window just to say hi, or ask if the other wants to go somewhere tonight.  “No, I have a huge paper due this week.”  “I have an exam in 12 hours.”  “I just don’t feel up to it.”

The TV turns off as an automatic timer kicks in, signaling to me that 30 minutes have passed and I still have not crawled into bed for a pre-work nap.  When I get to work, I will sit in a chair and work on homework until I hear the signaling whoosh of a door opening, or a light tap on the window if I have missed that whoosh.  I will look up and use a smile that usually doesn’t quite reach my eyes, and take the offered ID they hold out towards me.  The ID will gain a hasty look before I swipe it through a box that may or may not work correctly the first time, but I will already be pushing the door open before the second, third, fourth swipe that will tell me what I already know.  I will smile once more as I hand back that magnetic ID and I will repeat the same message that everyone gets to hear from me.  No matter how quickly they are going to bed, I hope that they “Have a good night!”

I turn from that momentary human contact and retreat back into my books and papers and movies waiting for my attention, until it all repeats.

It all repeats itself.